"Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying! THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! "
- Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own
Peace. That's all I want right now, but I can't seem to find it. For the last week all I can think about are my failures. I put on such a great facade sometimes that I get lost in it, very few people can tell when it's up and I'm proud of that. Then comes the times when I just can't take anymore. I breakdown inside, my emotions get the best of me, which I ABSOLUTELY hate showing. Then the crying.
I don't know how to handle any of it.
The crying always overwhelms me most because I was raised to be strong. My parents never told me not to cry or not to be emotional, but for their sake I've always tried to be the strong one (I first realized this in high school). To cry, for me, is my ultimate weakness. Chick flicks don't count, that's the only time its acceptable to cry (for me).
Maybe it's because I want to be the strong one for everyone in my life. I want to be the happy encourager, and don't get me wrong I love it, but on the days when I feel like crap I just want to run and hide, avoid the good things in my life. Mainly because when I pay attention to the good, as an escape from the bad, I don't actually handle the bad, I just end up suppressing it until it makes another ugly appearance.
There's so much that I want to say, but it all won't make much sense. That and it'll take too long to type and go into back story with (we're talking 3-ish years of back story for you to grasp the whole concept of what's running through my mind). All I will ask for now is just prayers for me, that I will again find my way and get back on track with school and my priorities.
Give me a day and I'll be fine, back to normal. For now though...I'll just be lucky to survive.
Hey sister! You know you've always got my shoulder to cry on, and my two ears to listen. I used to find myself in and out of emotional breakdowns. I could practically time it. I once cried because I had too many doctor appointments to schedule. I mean....really??
ReplyDeleteI know it's always weird to have to clue people in on your whole life in order to tell them why or how you're feeling at a particular moment, but I've got plenty of time to be here for you. I don't mind hearing about your life. After all, I love to know why people are the way they are! It makes people closer as friends, just breaking yourself down for Christ brings you closer to salvation.
Thank you for being strong for us. I find that everyone depends on us strong people to hold the world together. But then YOU get down and think, "Well, who holds me up?" I think you already know the answer to that!
I'm praying for you. Love! xoxo