Growing Pains

"I feel the need...the need for speed."

- Maverick and Goose, Top Gun

I've realized, and been called out on, having a selfish tendency recently and it's true.  Looking back on some of my actions over the past couple of weeks I have done somethings, whether intentional or not, that have been selfish.  I strive to be a selfless person, to give back as much as I can, but after all I am human.

I got into a huge argument this week with one of my best friends this week over these actions.  He helped me realize that I had taken his relationship for granted (and others as well, which I hadn't examined based on my last blog) and that I had acted selfishly towards those relationships.  There aren't enough words to express how grateful I am for this.  I feel happy because for the last couple of days I've felt lost.  He's one of my closest friends in Tallahassee and the thought of losing him and the friendship that we have frightened me.  I have other friends I can go to, but with the exception of my best friends who live out of town, he's the first person I go to for almost everything (except for guy troubles [usually] because I know he sometimes feels awkward about them whether he tells me or not, I can feel it, lol).  While I have yet to say it in person, and still plan to do so, I want him to know that I'm sorry for my actions, even if he's already forgiven me.

With that being said, tonight when I got home from dinner I walked out to my mailbox and just happened to look up and notice how clear the sky was.  It reminded me of my trips to Mexico, the sky is so vibrant, clear, it's as though you could touch it.  I miss it.  This has been one of the driving factors in my selfishness recently.  A couple of weeks ago I got the dates for the Mexico mission trip I normally take with Club Quest in July...I also found out that my brother moved up his wedding date to the same week.  While this was done for perfectly legitimate reasons, I am still slightly upset that I don't get my week vacation doing something I love.  Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and soon to be sister-in-law, but it's the one true vacation I get every year.  It was just disappointing.  The sad thing is, this is what seems to have been the biggest influence in my poor and selfish thinking patterns the past couple of weeks.

I want you guys to know that I've working on this.  I don't like being selfish.  I always try to do my best, to be the friend who's always there, and to do things that I know will please others before myself.  I know, this makes me a pushover (which all my friends agree with), but it's who I am and its difficult for me to overcome because I hate the selfish feeling I get when I don't help or please others.

Here's to hoping things will change for the better, that I will slow my need for speed down, to relax in the moment and not focus on the things that I want.  To not need the rush that comes with selfishness and to be true to myself and my friends.

Also, I'm hoping to take a camping trip soon, just relax in nature and enjoy it's beauty.