"Never say you're fine when you're not okay. Never say you feel good when you feel bad. And never say you're alone when GOD is next to you."- Madea Simmons

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,
So love the people who treat you right and forget the ones that don't and believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance,
Take it.
If you it changes your life,
Let it.
Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."
- Anonymous

I'm learning.  I'm learning a lot actually.  Life is handing me plenty of lemons to make lemonade with, some of them I'm letting rot before using, others I'm using before they're ripe enough (I can be bad with analogies sometimes so pardon me if this gets too corny for you)*.  I'm learning to let things happen in God's time and to not take things so seriously, or more seriously depending on the issue.

In the past week I've been on a roller coaster, and I'm not just saying this because I drove Trestle Ridge Road to get to McCartney Resort this week, which will make your stomach turn if you're under the right circumstances.  I've felt physical pain (stepped on glass), been physically exhausted (spent probably 22+ hours in a car this weekend), emotionally exhausted (was scolded by several friends over an incident where I didn't think to use my better judgement), and overwhelmed with joy (got to hangout with Mallory and watch Katie and Chris get married).  I want to stop hitting these road blocks in my mind that people have started pointing out  to me, which I'm appreciating at the same time.  I want to work past my fears, not just look them in the eye, but legitimately stand up to them.  I just don't know how to do that though.  I talk it out with Becca, Sam, Justin, Dave and Josh (when we're actually able to talk), but they still haunt me before I close my eyes at night.

While I'm not scared of the future, I'm scared of what the future may bring to me, especially since I won't have school on my mind when August comes around.  I'm scared of losing Justin when he leaves for OCS, because he's always there to keep me calm since Mallory and Josh aren't in town.  I'm scared that I won't be strong enough to improve and change what I need to to stay a strong influential Christian to my peers, because God knows I have a ton to improve upon.  I'm starting to lose faith in myself as an individual, but not in Christ, which is a plus I guess.

I don't know, sometimes I just feel so beaten down even when I'm having a good day, week, month, or year (haha, now I have the Friends theme song running through my head).  A surprising up lifter though came from Adam W this weekend though.  During a talk in the parking lot after the wedding/reception festivities ended Mallory and Adam were poking fun at me (what's new, eh?) when Adam said: Sometimes I think we take too much credit away from Lynn.  It made me feel like maybe in all my clumsiness over the last 5 years, all of my failures with school, that maybe I had/have been doing something right.  I mean I know I'm an easy target (Come on, how many people do you know who can swallow a thumbtack, or get hit by a bird while driving, or trip over her own two feet every single day?), but just to hear someone actually say something like that made me just feel at ease with my troubles, even if it was only for a second.

I'm not meaning for this to sound depressing, it's not meant to be.  And I don't want a pity party either.  I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head and since I'm not sure when I'll be walking Lake Ella again (Sam, make it happen) as my therapy for verbal diarrhea/thinking session blogging was the next best thing.  I mean I'm actually sitting here chuckling at myself.  Sometimes I feel crazy when I write blogs like this, other times I feel average, and then there are nights like tonight when I wish Freud were still alive to do a study on me just because I know he'd have a field day.

*SIGH*, yup, my big sigh of relief.  Hopefully now I can get a good nights rest, although I still think I'm having night terrors after watching Paranormal Activity a couple of weeks ago.

Oh and lastly, anyone want to see Mr. Popper's Penguins with me this week!?  Think about it Jim Carrey AND one of my favorite animals Penguins!  Okay, just let me know if you're down, we can talk day and times later :) 

*My favorite bad analogy came 3 years ago when I was moving into McCartney Motel.  Adam and Mallory were helping me move furniture and it was 1-2am when I said "Oh yeah, what does that have to do with the price of soap in Africa" trying to be wittier than just saying "the cost of tea in China."  Let's just say it didn't work out the way I had planned, lol.