Why now?

"Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying! THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! "

- Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own

Peace.  That's all I want right now, but I can't seem to find it.  For the last week all I can think about are my failures.  I put on such a great facade sometimes that I get lost in it, very few people can tell when it's up and I'm proud of that.    Then comes the times when I just can't take anymore.  I breakdown inside, my emotions get the best of me, which I ABSOLUTELY hate showing.  Then the crying.

I don't know how to handle any of it.

The crying always overwhelms me most because I was raised to be strong.  My parents never told me not to cry or not to be emotional, but for their sake I've always tried to be the strong one (I first realized this in high school).  To cry, for me, is my ultimate weakness.  Chick flicks don't count, that's the only time its acceptable to cry (for me).

Maybe it's because I want to be the strong one for everyone in my life.  I want to be the happy encourager, and don't get me wrong I love it, but on the days when I feel like crap I just want to run and hide, avoid the good things in my life.  Mainly because when I pay attention to the good, as an escape from the bad, I don't actually handle the bad, I just end up suppressing it until it makes another ugly appearance.

There's so much that I want to say, but it all won't make much sense.  That and it'll take too long to type and go into back story with (we're talking 3-ish years of back story for you to grasp the whole concept of what's running through my mind).  All I will ask for now is just prayers for me, that I will again find my way and get back on track with school and my priorities.

Give me a day and I'll be fine, back to normal.  For now though...I'll just be lucky to survive.

The Beaver...

I have a friend who does Wordless Wednesday's on his blog.  I'm going to occasionally follow that idea, but it will be completely random (like my decision to try it out today).  So there is the background to this blog and that's all I'm going to say.

"There's no man, alive or dead, who's going to fault you for living."- William, P.S. I Love You

"I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear You whisper to me,
'It's time to leave
You'll never be lonely again'
But this was my deathbed
I died there alone
When I closed my eyes tonight
You carried me home"

- Relient K, Deathbed

I've been haunted since Friday.  I guess you could say it's been by ghosts, but not in a physical sense, but ghosts from my past.  

It all started Friday on the drive home from work, when I was reminiscing about my grandmother with a family friend.  It was then that I realized that she passed away 15 years ago last month.  It also hit me that I don't remember her.  I mean I can see a photo of her in my head, but I don't remember her smile, her cooking, her hugs.  I don't remember any information about her, accept I recently learned that she enjoyed ice hockey.  I was 8.

When I got home I received an email about my favorite summer event, the mission trip to Mexico. This email, however didn't have a happy ending.  One of the women who has inspired me through these trips has been battling cancer for the last year or so and was placed in hospice recently.  This has been on my mind all weekend and has brought me to tears almost everyday this weekend.  I haven't seen her in 2 years and most likely won't see her again, until that glorious day when we all get to heaven of course.  It just pains me for such a wonderful woman to suffer so greatly.

Later Friday night my lovely friend Sam and I had a girls night since most of the AFC girls were on the Women's Retreat and the AFC guys were having Man Night.  We ended up watching one of my top 10 movies, A Walk to Remember.  Now this movie alone is sad, then play the (yup you guessed it) cancer card.  This never fails to move me, I cry EVERY time I watch it.  This probably didn't help me too much emotionally, but its just good art, which was the point in watching it in the first place.  By the way, anytime I watch a movie where there is cancer...I will cry, no matter how horrible the movie may be.

I then started thinking about the last year, or so, my family has had.  In the span of 6 months my mom lost 3 siblings to lung and esophageal cancer.  One of my uncle's who passed during this time, the first actually, was one that I had hard feeling towards, especially during the end.  Not only had I only met him 3 times in my life, he didn't come to his own father's funeral, or tell family he was dying until a week before he passed.  I remember writing a letter (that was never sent) to him that told him how disgusted I was by his actions and the pain he caused.

A month later (September) my aunt passed, this one really hurt my mom as they had finally become close in their adult relationship.  They spent a lot of time together towards the end of her life and it was difficult to see her go.

When January rolled around, my other uncle passed, leaving my oldest aunt and my mother (the youngest) the remaining of the 5 siblings.  

I spent a lot, and I mean A LOT of time during that 6 month period thinking about what I would have changed if I could, the questions I would have asked I known their time here was as short as it was.  I also thought about my Boom-Pa (my maternal grandfather) and the undiagnosed depression I had after his passing in 2007 from lung cancer as well.  It had actually gotten to the point where I had a dream that Boom-Pa had called me asking why I had hated him so much, which I found odd because I didn't, he was my grandfather and I loved him with all my heart.  Upon thinking about the dream I realized that I had become so busy with the switch from high school to college that I didn't write, or call, or do much of anything with him during his last year.  I blame myself for not asking those important questions that I later realized would have helped me understand him more.  The biggest question that I have or him is what was it like to fight in World War II.  I have a strange fascination with that war, he lived it, and I never asked or took interest in it when I was with him.

I have plenty of memories of riding the tractor with him when I was younger at the family farm, eating "frozen" Snickers with him, watching the Gators play football with him at Thanksgiving (and I think that's why I don't mind them as much as other Seminole fans do).  I remember when he remarried Dorie (Grumsie, if you will), going to New York City with them for spring break in 1999.  Grumsie and I have only talked once since Boom-Pa's memorial service.  

There are so many things that I regret not doing with each of these individuals, so many questions that I didn't ask that will now be unanswered.  Why didn't I talk to them before, why didn't I take the time?  These are thoughts that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.  Anytime I hear of someone that I know who is diagnosed with cancer, my first thought is will that me be?  Will that be my mom or dad?  Will we suffer what they did thanks to this horrible illness?

I've been joking with my family about how this year marks my dad's 50th anniversary of when he started to smoke, but really it kills me to think about the toxins running through his body.  I just want it all to go away.  No more cancer, no more pain or illness.  

But such is life.  We have to suffer hardships to learn and grow, to become better people.  We need these experiences so that we can help others through their pain and suffering.  It's just one more way God wants us to connect to each other, to know we aren't the only ones to experience (insert problem here).  It's like Jim said in his sermon this morning: If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it (1 Corinthians 12:26).

With that being said, I should stop thinking about my pain and rejoice in the freedom that comes with death, that final release of pain, and focus on celebrating the time that I did have, no matter how short it was.  While my time with the people mentioned above range from a couple of hours to several years, they all impacted my life, and they all helped make me who I am in one way or another, and I'm a stronger and better person for it.

I'm sorry about the novel that I've written tonight, but it was much needed.

ne

Growing Pains

"I feel the need...the need for speed."

- Maverick and Goose, Top Gun

I've realized, and been called out on, having a selfish tendency recently and it's true.  Looking back on some of my actions over the past couple of weeks I have done somethings, whether intentional or not, that have been selfish.  I strive to be a selfless person, to give back as much as I can, but after all I am human.

I got into a huge argument this week with one of my best friends this week over these actions.  He helped me realize that I had taken his relationship for granted (and others as well, which I hadn't examined based on my last blog) and that I had acted selfishly towards those relationships.  There aren't enough words to express how grateful I am for this.  I feel happy because for the last couple of days I've felt lost.  He's one of my closest friends in Tallahassee and the thought of losing him and the friendship that we have frightened me.  I have other friends I can go to, but with the exception of my best friends who live out of town, he's the first person I go to for almost everything (except for guy troubles [usually] because I know he sometimes feels awkward about them whether he tells me or not, I can feel it, lol).  While I have yet to say it in person, and still plan to do so, I want him to know that I'm sorry for my actions, even if he's already forgiven me.

With that being said, tonight when I got home from dinner I walked out to my mailbox and just happened to look up and notice how clear the sky was.  It reminded me of my trips to Mexico, the sky is so vibrant, clear, it's as though you could touch it.  I miss it.  This has been one of the driving factors in my selfishness recently.  A couple of weeks ago I got the dates for the Mexico mission trip I normally take with Club Quest in July...I also found out that my brother moved up his wedding date to the same week.  While this was done for perfectly legitimate reasons, I am still slightly upset that I don't get my week vacation doing something I love.  Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and soon to be sister-in-law, but it's the one true vacation I get every year.  It was just disappointing.  The sad thing is, this is what seems to have been the biggest influence in my poor and selfish thinking patterns the past couple of weeks.

I want you guys to know that I've working on this.  I don't like being selfish.  I always try to do my best, to be the friend who's always there, and to do things that I know will please others before myself.  I know, this makes me a pushover (which all my friends agree with), but it's who I am and its difficult for me to overcome because I hate the selfish feeling I get when I don't help or please others.

Here's to hoping things will change for the better, that I will slow my need for speed down, to relax in the moment and not focus on the things that I want.  To not need the rush that comes with selfishness and to be true to myself and my friends.

Also, I'm hoping to take a camping trip soon, just relax in nature and enjoy it's beauty.

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”- G. Randolf

Life is funny.  We are born, grow up with the pains of childhood, tortures of high school, knowledge of college and grow old trying to leave behind a memory in the hopes of not being forgotten about once our final breathe comes.  Along the way, however, we have friends.  In childhood its always the people who like the same color as you, as we grow older its the people who we have the most classes with or plays on the soccer team with you.  When you hit college you maintain contact with only a handful of your friends, keep those you are dearest to you because you know them the greatest.  College is where you start to find your family (you know, the friends you wish were your family).

Thanks to participating in a friends study for school (yay Nathan!) and a thoughtful lesson at church on Wednesday night (yay Adam F.!), I started to think about those who I keep near, who I want to get to know more, who I'm still getting comfortable with, and who I want to reach out to.

I've started to realize that some friendships I've lost and I'm not sure why, others I've realized I not ever have had a real friendship with to begin with, and those that I want to keep, help nurture, and grow looking ahead to the future.  I think I've taken some of my dearest friendships for granted recently, for which I'm awfully sorry.  I need to really evaluate who I'm spending my time with and how valuable our conversation is, because that's what's important as we get older.

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is."- Jim Morrison